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Everybody is Falling in Love (But I'm Not Having Sex)

everybody is falling in love, but I can’t remember the last time someone penetrated me.

yes, the language is aggressive.

I can’t remember the last time a handsome man was naked beside me

cradling my body

but then again: I do.

I tensed at getting too intimate with him

spurned the moment he put his lips on my cock

everybody is happy, in some healthy romantic relationship,

and I have nothing/am nothing/don’t want a man to cum inside me right now.

It isn’t that I’m not horny. I masturbate, I have needs, as they say. I like the idea of things – a man caressing me, stripping me naked, kissing my neck, touching my nipples, and then soon enough I’m getting fucked by this man, bouncing up and down on his crotch, moaning, moaning, moaning. But I worry. I worry I will never be the sexual creature my partner expects of me. I worry I will only ever be seen as a disgrace for not wanting so desperately to be a good little bottom for the men that get so turned on by my ass. I worry, for all it’s worth, that I won’t find the sort of partner that will love me, asexual tendencies and all.

everybody is falling in love, and I am staring at the reasons I wasn’t good enough

I’m not a top // I can’t satisfy them // I’m awkward in bed // I’m frustrating // I am annoying

but I’m happy for them

finding the person that does a far better job than I would.

will I – won’t I – fall in love,

it’s like an old 90s sitcom in New York City

except I just haven’t been having sex lately.

So maybe I should accept my asexuality and try to find a partner that doesn’t hold for a scandalous affair. Because I want comfort, snuggled up beside someone, and I can forgo the lustful make-out sessions that would play like an interlude to sex. [Can I forgo sending tasteful nudes? Who knows!] I want a partner that can match me, nestle in beside me, not worry me – I’ve had plenty enough partners that worry me. And I’ll always want to masturbate, probably, unless I get hooked on an anti-depressant that kills my libido again. I’m sure you’ve noticed I can be horny and naughty and a cheeky little tease, but…I don’t know. I haven’t felt the desire to find sex, to need sex – I can’t remember the last time I douched.

There are many reasons why I haven’t gone on a date in a while. I’m exhausted, I’m too stressed, I make myself feel too stressed, I’m too busy, I don’t know if I know the right kind of guy for me. I don’t have sex. I assume every man that is attracted to me thinks about me naked, splayed out in bed, waiting to be ravaged by them. I assume when someone says I should come over for cuddles that dessert is a secret surprise course, and it is under the sheets, the light dimmed down, and my mouth engulfing their penis. I don’t assume you just want to know me, not often enough. Or love me. Protect me, because I am terrified of this world. I assume you’ll grow to be disappointed of me, because who doesn’t.

everybody is falling in love like it’s the age of peace

and we’re painting little orange smiley faces on our cheeks

and I angle my phone to take a picture of my butt cheeks, hairy as they are

why am I making people hornier?

for the attention. yeah.

I worry no one will see my body if I don’t advertise it.

I assume most people don’t care to see it.

I want to be the one falling in love

but I don’t know who will want me

the rejected/dejected/lost toy, the dysfunctional brain

oh no he doesn’t work properly

I start to think for a second someone has understood me!

and then they touch my penis

oh it’s so thick!

I mince like meat

and for a moment I get it.

it’s thrilling to crave one another,

to desperately cling to a seventh of the sins

but it fades when I ejaculate.

everybody is falling in love,

but I am not having sex.

I’m trying to understand myself.

                                                                                                                                                                    - Keeley Young

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